Disclaimer: I am not a relationship coach, therapist, or expert on interpersonal relationships of any kind. All posts by me are simply from my own opinions and experiences and are written from my perspective.
Ever wondered how to meet a dominant woman? Of course you did, or you wouldn’t be here. This is by no means a comprehensive guide to what will work for you, but it’s a good place to start.
Things to keep in mind:
Keep your common sense. If you don’t have any, BDSM is not right for you. Perhaps try yoga.
You can be submissive without being a masochist. Yes, seriously. Not all Dommes are sadists.
You can be submissive only in certain areas/at certain times.
You still get to have an opinion, wants, needs, and desires; but you DON’T get to steamroll women with it.
Your dick isn’t near as important to women as you think it is, at least not before you’ve started a relationship.
If a woman wants a “service submissive,” no, you can’t do that 500 miles away via webcam. If you don’t know the definition of service, please consult a dictionary right now.
Step #1: Women do not exist as a vehicle for your fetishes, so please learn that now. Listing a fetish: Good idea. Shows what you’re into. Listing the same fetish over and over and over and over? Shows you care only about one thing, and it’s not “forming a meaningful relationship with a woman.” This was snagged from a profile that had just this on it. Otherwise, blank.(Psst… wanna know something awesome though? The guy who had this on his profile saw the error of his ways and has since made a very good profile. The epic fetish list is still there, but now he shows that he’s a well-rounded polite guy that plays guitar and rescues dogs. I love happy endings!)
Step #2: Don’t send a generic message. Example of a generic message:
“Hello, just wanted to send a message and start a conversation.”
You have to realize that you are guy #969 to send “Hello, just wanted to send a message and start a conversation.”
And I’m not exaggerating. That sets you apart about as much as ant #969 is set apart from the other ants in a line of marching ants.
Don’t be an ant.
Step #3: Work on yourself. See “Being Single is Not A Disease” below. Seriously. IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE HERE, AT LEAST READ THAT!
That all said, contained in the text below is:
“Being Single Is Not A Disease”
“What Women Want”
“Erase the word “true” from your vocabulary, and don’t buy into the myths”
“Q & A Time – When to lay out your cards”
“How NOT to approach a dominant woman online Lesson #1 – The you-focused message”
“How NOT to approach a dominant woman online Lesson #2 – Friend requests”
Being Single Is Not A Disease
This is used, with permission, from Whitefur, a submissive male and member of Fetlife, who is the author of the following advice.
Being Single Is Not A Disease!
So, I’m a single submissive. I’m lonely. I’m sexually, emotionally, mentally, and physically frustrated with the D-type search. How do I cope? What am I to do?
I’m over thinking it. First of all, contrary to what I would like to believe, being single is not a life threatening disease. Yes Virginia, there is a tomorrow. Being single is not a disease, it’s an opportunity! An opportunity to improve ourselves for the game.
Life seems complicated, but when you break it down it becomes very simple, as do its many idiosyncrasies. Why should finding a companion be any different?
One side of the mating game hunts, the other side attracts, or at least this is my line of thinking. Why on God’s green earth am I hunting? I’m submissive, I don’t have the aggressive hunting instinct. Why am I going against my nature to fulfill a task I wasn’t designed to do in the first place? I am not the hunter, I am the prey, the bounty, the goal, I am the prize.
So just what is my role as the single submissive? My job is to dance. To attract, to appeal to the senses, to become what the hunter cannot live without!
I’m single, I have no one to serve, so what do I do with my downtime? I work on myself to become more attractive to potential hunters. I learn a new skill. I lose a few pounds. I dust off a book and add depth to my soul. I work on being a better housekeeper. I take a long, deep look at myself and hone the skills and gifts I already have and I improve on anything I’m not satisfied with. I spend my extra time and energy on becoming more valuable to them.
Being rude, shallow, inappropriate, unthoughtful, dysfunctional, needy, whiny, and/or being unable to communicate a complete thought will get me nowhere; it’s unattractive. Don’t do it!
On FetLife… About Me. This is one part of your first impression to a hunter. Does it say anything about you? Is it thought out, descriptive, does it say anything non kink? Open up, be yourself and lay your unique vibrancy out there – THAT is attractive.
Your avatar! The best hunters are interested in more than your trophy rack. If you’ve put a picture of a piece of flesh as your avatar, that’s what you’re going to be judged by. I realize some may not wish to put up pics of themselves… At least make it unique to you… And for goodness sakes, put something! The question mark screams disinterest, disengaged, and disinclined… Not what you want for a first impression, remember attractive!
Another first , and ongoing, impression is how you conduct yourself in the groups. A well thought out question and/or answer can be very attractive. It allows the hunter to see past the physical and begin getting a picture of the inside of you. Your mind, your heart, your caring and compassion are things that are going to endure long after the bedroom play has quit for the day. How you behave in a group is attractive or not… Take a step back and think before you say something. Examine your questions and answers, what is the real motivation behind them?
Nilla Land, there is always room for improvement here. Look at your weaknesses. What can you do better to make your life/situation more attractive to the hunter? Maybe you can’t budget worth a hoot – now’s the time to learn how to balance that checkbook or pay off those old debts! Maybe you can cook in the bedroom but not worth a damn in the kitchen, take some classes, learn where your fire extinguishers are and draw out a fire escape plan! Maybe you could lose some excess baggage… I know I can, join that gym you’ve been putting off, learn a healthier way of living, start an exercise regimen… What good is a submissive that can’t serve without getting winded? Maybe your home is a bit cluttered/unkept… Time to brush up and learn some organizational skills, remember there is more to being a sexy French maid than the uniform. It all adds up to more attractiveness!
I’ve been there, I am there. I know the frustration. And I’ve even had to kick my own ass off the pity wagon a time or two and quit looking for sympathy points. It’s unattractive!
Being single is not a disease, it’s an opportunity to become the best, most appealing submissive in the area. It’s an opportunity to make yourself stand out in a crowd in a positive and attractive light.
Seems like a lot of work doesn’t it, and there won’t be a D-type standing over you with a whip to see you through it. My question for you is, how bad do you want it? Are you just looking for a quick thrill or are you looking for a companion? If you can’t set a goal and have the self discipline to see it through, what good are you going to be to a D? I don’t know to many hunters looking for a programmable robot. You need to think for yourself, act, and follow through on things, by your own initiative, not because you’re going to get your ass busted if you don’t.
There is more to kink than kink, more to fetishes than fetishes and more to relationships than sex, and more than life than D/s, but if you’re serious about it, you’ll work on becoming the best you can be for yourself and for that potential hunter.
Hope this engages your mind a little… Happy being hunted!
What Women Want
You’ll notice I didn’t say “What dominant women want.” We aren’t a different species. We’re not butterflies while men are fish. We’re women. We are the same as your mother, your sister, your first girlfriend, your last girlfriend, the lady next to you on the subway.
We want respect. Treat us with the same respect you would if we were your coworker, your mother, your aunt, your friend’s wife. If you wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a nightclub and say, “Hi. I’m John. I like to be pegged. What’s your favorite strap-on harness? Do you like forced bi?” why in the world would you ask that of a dominant woman? It’s disrespectful. Don’t do it. EVER.
Don’t presume to know what activities and types of submission dominant women want – even if you served one before. Your mother isn’t the same as your coworker, right? So why would all dominant women be the same? We all have individual wants, needs, desires, tastes, and opinions. Leading with “I’m a trained sub” or “I’m experienced” means “I know to do all the very specific things my ex-dominant(s) wanted me to do” which is like… well, ok… good for you? What does that have to do with ME? Casually mentioning you’ve served a Domme before is fine, and can be beneficial at times. Advertising yourself as a trained or even experienced sub can be your downfall if you do it in a way that says “I’m trained so surely I can serve you.” I’ll train my own sub, thanks.
You say you want to serve, but does your interaction with her convey that? In your messages to her, did you ask her about herself, her interests, her likes, or did you list what you’re good at and what you want to do, and assume that she wants you to [insert activity here]? Do you know how many messages I get from subs who proclaim to be the best at oral sex, who will serve me for hours orally? Do you know how many of those I write back? Zero. None. Zip. Nada. The last thing I need is someone who presumes to know what I want. I love oral sex. Really. It’s fucking awesome. But I’ll show you what I like, which means you could have absolutely zero experience and still be compatible with me. Don’t write a woman to tell her what you are good at and/or what you will do to her, because you are assuming that she cares about those things. The obvious exception is if she has on her ad or profile that she is looking for someone who is good at X. Then hey, if you’re good at X, sing your praises to her!
We want someone to serve us.
What that sentence DOES mean:
- We want someone to pay attention to what we want as a person. Each Domme will have her own style of dominating. Ask questions about her style, and then listen.
- We want to be given control. Some women enjoy a brat, or a smartass masochist (a SAM), or a struggle to be given control. SOME women. Others just want obedience. ASK which she prefers. In the end though, if you don’t hand over the reigns to us, you’re not submitting.
- “No” means “no.” It doesn’t mean “you can talk me into it if you try hard enough.”
- More often than not, you won’t be compatible with a Domme. This is no different than if you tried to be compatible with any other woman. Being kinky does not mean you are more desirable – it just simply means you’re kinky.
Things that sentence does NOT mean:
- We want someone to tell us what to do to them.
- We want someone to tell us what they are going to do TO us.
- We want someone to assume they know what we want.
- We want to cater to your fetish/fantasy.
Erase the word “true” from your vocabulary, and don’t buy into the myths
There are no “true” dominants. There are no “true” submissives. There are people you are compatible with, and people you are not. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.
Don’t buy into the myths perpetuated in Femdom porn, or by some Dommes that insist they are right! Some of these myths are:
- No dominant woman ever sucks cock. Bullshit. A dominant woman can do whatever she damn well pleases, and that includes sucking cock. I like sucking cock. I like getting Iris hard and giving him that pleasure. I like stopping and leaving him wanting more. Are you really going to tell me that’s not dominant?
- No dominant woman ever has sex in the missionary position. Bullshit. A dominant woman can do whatever she damn well pleases, and that includes being on the bottom during sex. Do you REALLY expect her to do ALL the work by being on top EVERY SINGLE TIME? If so – wtf? Are you THAT lazy?
- No dominant woman ever has sex with her submissives/slaves. Bullshit. A dominant woman can do whatever she damn well pleases, and that includes getting laid by her submissives/slaves. If you can’t fuck me – get the hell out of my bed.
- All dominant women keep their submissives/slaves in chastity or cuckold them. Bullshit. A dominant woman can do whatever she damn well pleases, and that includes engaging or not engaging in orgasm control by whatever means she deems fit, and does or doesn’t engage in cuckolding.
- All dominant women should be cared for by their submissives, in all ways, including financially. Bullshit. A dominant woman can do whatever she damn well pleases, and that includes working. You going to tell her she can’t use that bachelor’s degree she earned and paid for? That’s super submissive of you.
- All dominant women who live the “lifestyle” 24/7 must be ProDommes. Bullshit! There are lifestyle Dommes. There are ProDommes. Sometimes the two overlap. Most of the time they don’t. Most dominant women don’t charge you one red cent to engage with them. If you don’t want to pay a pro – DON’T! It really is that simple!
Q & A Time – When to lay out your cards
An anonymous person asked me the following question today, and I thought it was so nice that it deserved a post of it’s own:
The expectations of the dominant woman are difficult to know. Is it wrong to lay out one’s cards at the beginning and, if there is still any interest, to take it from there?
Yes – BUT, I think the best way to lay out your cards is to have a well-filled out profile (I assume you are looking online, although really same advice applies for meeting in person). This takes away the need to talk about your specific desires in the first few messages to a Domme.
Most dating sites have a section for interests and likes for everything from vanilla activities to kink and specific fetishes. If you are really into bondage, list that as an interest. If you are a foot fetishist, definitely put that out there on your profile. The idea is that you reflect who you are as a well-rounded person, not just as a foot fetishist/spanko/kinkster/submissive/whatever. I am not defined by my kinks anymore than I’m defined by the fact that I’m wearing purple shorts today, and neither is anyone else.
I can tell you what almost every single dominant woman out there expects: To be treated with respect, as a person. Talk to her the same way you would if you were on a blind date. You wouldn’t show up to the restaurant, and say, “Hello Goddess. I’m Steve. I like pegging and being made to wear frilly underwear.” Sounds pretty obvious when put that way, doesn’t it? I think the internet, and the ability to be anonymous behind a screen, makes people act a little less human sometimes, or subs and Dommes alike get so excited at this new awesome world they’ve stepped into that they want to go out and do things right.fucking.now. Slow down. Take your time. You probably didn’t marry the first girl you dated, and you’re probably not going to be compatible with the first Domme you meet.
Now when DO you lay your cards out? Ideally, your profile is filled out, so people can get an idea of who you are and what you are into, which will give them a starting point to decide if there might be matching interests there. I think it’s best to let the Domme take the lead with the conversation, but don’t be afraid to ask questions yourself. Just don’t be pushy. If she wrote back to say, “Hi and thanks for writing. We might have some common interests,” that’s NOT the time to tell her about your fantasy of being anally invaded while wearing a schoolgirl uniform.
The only thing you will lose by not putting all your wants and kinks out there in the first few messages is some time. Looking for a dominant woman isn’t any easier than looking for a vanilla girlfriend, or a new job. It’s frustrating to not meet anyone, but think back on all the women you haven’t meshed with already. Being kinky can actually make people even less compatible than they would be if they were both vanilla.
So to sum things up:
Have a profile that paints a picture of who you are and what you like. If you like fishing, say so. If you like pegging, mention that too.
Don’t focus on nothing but kink.
Approach dominant women like you would approach a date.
Additionally, websites such as FetLife are a wealth of information, and I highly, highly recommend it if you haven’t already. It is NOT a dating site, but there are opportunities to meet people into BDSM.
How NOT to approach a dominant woman online
Lesson #1 – the you-focused message
I would be able to travel over a weekend if you can accomodate. I am extremely masochistic and looking for a Mistress that truly enjoys inflicting pain, that will not cringe from hearing express my pain and will know how to pace it so that its lasts as long as possible. You would also need to know about first aid in order to ensure adequate care in between sessions and good knowledge of tying me up. I do not use gags so hopefully you will have a secluded dungeon as I can be very vocal.
Thank you for your interest
So, let’s break down why this is all wrong:
1. He spelled “accommodate” wrong, and there are missing words in the paragraph. Lack of correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar is a turn off to most dominant women. It shows you are lazy, which is obviously not a selling point when looking for a bottom/sub/slave. Communicating online is done via the written word. Type as you would talk. If you wouldn’t leave words out of a sentence when having a vocal conversation with someone – don’t do it online either. A few mistakes are ok. Humans aren’t perfect. Consistent laziness, or just obvious lack of effort, won’t get you anywhere.
2. He makes an awful lot of assumptions:
A. That he would stay with me over an entire weekend.
B. That I would play on his terms and his alone.
C. That I was interested in him in the first place. I had already sent him an “I’m not interested” message prior to getting this one in which I rejected him based on his distance from me. He then writes back with what appears to be a standard form letter that he sends to anyone with tits that is on the D side of the slash. (Psst… guys… us women aren’t stupid. We can recognize a copy and paste letter from a mile away… at night… with our glasses off. Sending us that crap is not only insulting, but shows you’re a lazy fuckpig who can’t even both tailoring your message to an individual. If you do this, FUCKING KNOCK IT OFF.)
3. Find where he mentions what he has to offer me in that message. Go ahead. I’ll refill my coffee while you’re doing it…………………………… did you find it? Didn’t think so. It’s not there. What did we learn about him? He likes pain. He won’t use a gag. He wants to play in a dungeon. He wants the experience to last all weekend, and apparently be so extreme as to need medical attention during it. He wants to be tied up with rope.
Not a word about me, what I want, what I might like, in that paragraph. He didn’t ask me a single question. He made the mistake of doing what a lot of dominant women find the ultimate insult: Treating the woman on the other side of the screen like a fetish delivery service. We are people, not vending machines of dominance (as Iris puts it).
All in all, he has pretty unrealistic expectations. I’m willing to bet his D/s experience is all in his head, he’s never met with an actual dominant woman, and spends his time wanking his stupid penis to whatever the femdom equivalent of ElitePain is. I’m willing to bet that if I did say “Sure! Come on down!” he’d flake out. Probably married or otherwise involved, and gets his rocks off trying to find women to cater to his fantasy online.
How NOT to approach a dominant woman online
Lesson #2 – Friend requests
It’s common courtesy to message someone before sending a request to be added as a friend. Some people are online to “collect” friends, but the majority from what I can tell, prefer to talk to someone before adding them as a friend. The reasons for this are varied:
Anything you post shows up in their feed, just like on Facebook. I’ve deleted friends because they make a ton of posts/picture comments/etc every day, and I have to wade through all of that to find the activity from my other friends. This is especially annoying when we share none of the same interests.
Some people consider their friends as a reflection of themselves, and may not want someone who is offensive/rude/etc. affiliated with their profile.
The best thing to do, when you see someone you’d like to add as a friend REGARDLESS OF GENDER OR ORIENTATION, is to read their profile and see if they want to be messaged before receiving a friend request, or if friend requests/messages need to go through their dominant/owner. Do whatever the profile says. If you don’t, it can safely be assumed that you were too lazy or inconsiderate to view the person you want to add as an actual person. I like to think that isn’t the case.