I am not a relationship coach, therapist, or expert on interpersonal relationships of any kind. All posts by me are simply from my own opinions and experiences and are written from my perspective.
Day after day, I see women who are new to BDSM and domination asking what they should do now that they’ve discovered it, and frankly my fingers are tired of typing out the same advice over and over again.
Therefore, let’s make things a little more clear.
So! You want to be a Dominant/Mistress/Madam/Lady/Superior High Queen and Ruler of All That You Touch? Great! Only… now what? Where to start?
Chances are, you made this decision by one of two ways: You have a partner that has come to you saying that he would like to be dominated by you, or you have discovered FemDom on your own and went “Heeeeyyyy… that’s SO me!” (I was the latter, definitely not the former). Now, I’m not going to talk about what you should do if you don’t want this but think you do to keep your boyfriend/husband/mailman happy and content. That’s your problem, not mine. If you’re here, I’m assuming you’re serious, and I’m going to give you some serious advice. If you are here because you think you can look pretty on webcam while paypigs tribute you – go away. This is not for you. Additionally, this is not a blog about female superiority. If you’re looking for “women are better than men,” this is also not for you.
I’m going to start with what I feel people forget when they start down the path of BDSM and D/s (Domination/submission): We are all just people.
Being kinky does not make someone less emotional or less caring, it does not take away anyone’s need to feel wanted and loved, and it does not lessen the need for trust and communication. When you realized that you were dominant, did you stop being you? Did you get less emotional? Did you stop caring about being loved? Did all your needs and desires vanish? Of course not, pretty ridiculous when you think of it that way, right? So don’t act like it. Seriously. Don’t. It makes for an unhappy you and unhappy subs. Be yourself, be human, be real.
If you want to role-play the stereotype of a cold uncaring stoic bitch, hey, have at it, but that’s a miserable dynamic for a real relationship. Being dominant doesn’t mean you never cry, it doesn’t mean you are never vulnerable, it doesn’t mean you don’t need help. Again: You’re still human, and that’s not a flaw, and that does not make you less dominant.
One of my biggest peeves is dominants who are unkind to their submissives. A submissive person is not something that you use and throw away. It sounds trite, but that’s someone’s son or daughter, maybe someone’s parent, they are an employee or student, they have dreams and goals and desires and needs and being submissive doesn’t change any of that. They may kneel at your feet, but they are not less than you. Don’t treat them as such outside of consensual humiliation and degradation play.
To wrap this up: Being dominant or submissive does not change a person beyond the fact that one is dominant in a relationship and the other is submissive. Neither party is more important than the other. Neither person deserves to have their needs go unmet. Look inside yourself and decide what you want out of a relationship, and how you want your D/s relationship to look, and then you will have a good foundation on which to build a D/s relationship.
Learn all that you can, and don’t listen to anyone that says there is a true way or a real way to do anything related to BDSM. The only wrong ways are those that are abusive and non-consensual. The blogs that are listed to your left are full of information on BDSM, dominance, and submission, and I highly recommend checking those out, as well as sites like Fetlife.
Alright. You’ve decided you like this dominant thing, and now you want to find a submissive. Well hold up! We gotta get some boring stuff out of the way first!
Very first thing you have to decide: What do you want your relationship with him to be like? Do you want a relationship in which you are not just Domme and sub, but boyfriend and girlfriend? Do you want a monogamous relationship that would ultimately lead to marriage, kids and all that? Do you want to have multiple partners in an open or polygamous relationship? Do you want someone you can play with and enjoy dinner with, but nothing beyond that? Do you want some combination of those? (Remember: There is no “right” way except what is right for you.)
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that D/s isn’t a relationship – it is. Even if you only see someone once a month for play, there’s still a relationship between two people at the core of it. You need to know what you want that relationship to look like – what level of commitment are you looking for? What do you want the relationship to look like and how do you want it to function? Think of all the little day-to-day things. Will he take care of you when you’re sick? Will he house sit while you’re gone? Will he eventually live with you? Who will do the dishes, the laundry, the grocery shopping? I know, none of this is hot or sexy, but it’s necessary. I promise.
Think of D/s like building a house. You can’t build a house without blueprints (your relationship ideal) or without building a foundation, and the foundation of D/s is the relationship between you and the submissive. This relationship is built with trust and open lines of communication. Get to know each other as people first, just like you did when you still called yourself vanilla and went on dates (and don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t go on a date with a submissive. Hogwash!) Then build up from there. If there’s a mutual desire for a relationship, then decide, together, how the relationship will function. Whatever you do, don’t steamrole the submissive with “my way or the highway!” (I’ll talk more on that later).
In closing: If you want a long-term commitment in which you are monogamous with your submissive, then look for subs who want that too. Someone who isn’t ready to settle down isn’t likely to change his mind simply because you tie him up and put clothespins on his nipples. Conversely, if you are not monogamous, a sub who doesn’t wish to share his partner is not going to be right for you.
Being a Dominant Woman – Part 2 – Traits and skills
As a new dominant, you may wonder what kind of training you need, and what skills are required. Well stop it. You don’t need any “Domme training,” even if such a thing existed. Just be yourself.
There’s no rule book that says a dominant has to behave a certain way, have a certain set of skills, look a certain way, or be anything in particular. There really seriously isn’t. I promise. Ignore people who tell you otherwise. There will be people who are looking for someone with a certain set of skills. It’s OK to not be that person.
You do need to know how to play safely. If you intend to do impact play, learn how to use a flogger/crop/cane/whatever implements you’re interested in. If you’re interested in needle play, then attend workshops on it, or find a mentor. Learning skills is the only actual “training” you need, and that’s not “learning to be a dominant,” that’s learning a skill. One does not equal the other.
The vast majority of BDSM is common sense. Do you want to learn to use a single tail? Then do it. If not, don’t. Just like all things in life, do what makes you happy and what will be beneficial to you. There’s no wrong way to be dominant. There’s no true or real way, either. There are people you will not be compatible with, but that doesn’t make you less of a dominant or them less of a submissive – it just means y’all weren’t compatible.
A lot of people will say that being dominant is a trait, not a role or a hat you put on and take off. I buy that, for the most part, but there are traits and skills that can be beneficial for a dominant woman to have. The big, huge, major skill that contributes to being not just a good partner, but a good dominant?
COMMUNICATION. If you can’t open your mouth and make noises into coherent words with meaning behind them, you won’t get far. You have to be able to tell a sub what you want. “I want a foot massage” will get you a foot massage. Passively putting your feet up on the couch in the hope that he will take the initiative to do it himself, likely will not. Subs aren’t mind readers. Neither are you. It’s your job as the dominant party to make sure communication occurs openly, honestly, and often.
That’s the big one, the most-important-one, the everything-will-fall-apart-without-it one. If you can’t communicate clearly, there are classes that can teach this. The one I’ve taken was called “Interpersonal Communication.” Pretty much any college anywhere will teach some form of this. If you don’t want to or can’t take a class, buy a book on it. I can’t recommend any myself, but I imagine reading reviews on Amazon will help you find a good one.
Other traits and skills that can and will help you be the best dominant you can be:
- Respect for yourself and others.
- Empathy for others, especially your submissive.
- Ability to read body language (for some, this comes naturally, for others it’s a learned skill).
- Ability to accept feedback and yes, even criticism.
- Ability to accept service (if you’re new to being a Domme, this can often feel as if you are being greedy or selfish. If a sub is offering and wants to serve you, it would be selfish NOT to accept his service, as it’s what makes him happy and hopefully in the process, makes you happy as well).
- An understanding of anatomy and first aid.
There was a thread recently on Fetlife asking submissive males what skills they looked for in a dominant. Some snippets from the answers were:
- “Open communication.”
- “Understand anatomy and understand first aid. If I’m the only one who knows where my kidneys are, it will be a short engagement.”
- “I suppose it would be good if my Mistress had the skills with which I struggle, such as money management, planning, things of that nature. I struggle with weight, so a Domme who has a good understanding of nutrition, exercise, weight control, and things like that might also be a plus.”
- “Skills are nice, but I can’t say ‘wow you know how to use a single tail, I COMPLETELY want to date you now.’”
- “Monitoring the relationship can be learned. Making and recording observations is a learned skill. As is discerning which observations ought to be discussed with her sub and then there is the how and when. Some possible areas of observation might be: the real comfort level of the sub, how close you are to his limits, how real is he being with you given his desire to please you. I don’t believe that any successful relationship is static. The dominant should have the skill of looking for changes in her sub, in herself, and in the relationship.”
- “The things I must have in a partner is the ability to be self-sufficient in her own life. These may be expressed in various ways, such as the ability to meet new people in a new city, or fixing a flat tire, or how to hard-boil an egg. She doesn’t need to have those exact skills, but the ability to prove she has the skills, or at least the means, to be a functioning adult is always key.”
- “Is education/intellect a skill? It can be learned.. And I don’t mean it in a snobbish manner where I think I’m smart shit or anything, but I do want a partner that will challenge or at least engage me intellectually, not just glaze over when I’m feeling philosophical or nerdy.”
So as you can see, there isn’t One True Way to be dominant. Each sub is going to want something different from a dominant woman. The only way you will know what he wants is to talk openly about it with him.