How to control your man, the Femdom way

So much “advice” that Cosmo rolls out is just ridiculous, and treats men as if they are fragile little snowflakes who will melt at so much as a harsh tone. Today I bring you Cosmo’s “10 Ways To Change Your Man (just a little),” with what I’d do instead. I like to think of my advice as, “How Femdoms Get Shit Done.”

#10 He has a crappy hairdo

Cosmo advice: Odds are, he doesn’t even know it. Buy him a gift certificate to a nice barber shop—the kind that gives shaves, etc. It doesn’t need to be super high-end, but chances are he’ll get a much better cut there and appreciate the ambience. Then compliment the hell out of that haircut.

Femi’s advice: Tell him he looks like a cross between The Shaggy D.A. and Billy The Exterminator, and needs to take care of that shit by next Tuesday or you’re gonna go all Army on him and buzz his head.

#9 He burps and farts in front of you

Cosmo advice: You should be completely upfront with him on this one: Tell him that if he’s going to treat you like one of his buddies, you’re going to sleep with him as often as one of his buddies will. That should shut that habit down reallyfast.

Femi advice: Since some Dommes arent’ sleeping with their partners anyway, that approach won’t always work. Threatening him with The Intimidator covered in fresh ginger root juice might.

#8 He dresses like a hobo

Cosmo advice: Every man has that ripped tee he’s obsessed with, but if he has a closet full of them, create occasions that will make him dress up a little more (dinner at a nice restaurant, a cocktail party that you host, etc.). Take him shopping beforehand and rave about how hot he looks.

Femi advice: “I don’t recall saying you could get dressed” or alternatively, “What the fuck are you wearing? No. Hell no. You march your ass back in that bedroom and find some clothes that don’t look like you just pulled them away from a nest of angry weasels.”

#7 He’s glued to the tv on game day

Cosmo advice: If there’s something you want to do instead—like, if it’s not just a matter of you being annoyed by it—then talk to him and ask what game(s) he actually really needs to watch. (There’s probably really only one.) Compromise from there—you’ll watch the game with him if he’ll hit up the concert in the park with you, or whatever.

Femi advice: Let him watch the game. No, really. It’s a few hours of mantime. Guys need that sometimes. Get over it.

#6 He leaves his dishes in the sink

Cosmo advice: Guys like to have purpose. So make a formal division of labor around the house. He does dishes; you do something else. (You can even point out that guys are happier when they do chores.

Femi advice: I’m confused by this. Dirty dishes go in the sink. Where else is he suppose to leave them? That’s where I put my dirty dishes. WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM?

#5 He gives you beard burn

Cosmo advice: Tell him that while you respect his right to scruff, it scratches, it itches, it reminds you of your dad, etc. Tell him it’s not him, it’s his beard, so he won’t be hurt.

Femi advice: “Unless you landed a role as the new Grizzly Adams, go shave. Now.”

#4 He forgets important occassions

Cosmo advice: Yeah, it sucks, but if you know he’s forgetful, you have to remind him of a big date like an anniversary beforehand. As long as you’re not testy about it, he’ll be grateful you did.

Femi advice: Program those dates into his phone’s calendar. If he is one of the weird Others who don’t have a cell phone (I’ve never met one of those, but I hear they do exist), have him get a paper calendar and write the dates down on it. If he still forgets, well, you’ve got a good reason to use that new paddle now, don’t ya?

#3 He insists on playing DJ in the car

Cosmo advice: Make a rule: Whoever drives and/or pays for gas gets to control the radio most of the time.

Femi advice: “My car, my radio. Your car, my radio. Any questions?”

#2 He’s vague about things

Cosmo advice: If your man is wishy-washy on when he’ll call (“later”) or when he’ll be over (“sometime tonight”), don’t wait around for him. Schedule your own things and if they conflict with “later” gently tell him you weren’t sure when you’d see him, so you made your own plans. He’ll figure it out.

Femi advice: Don’t accept vague answers. Open your mouth, make sounds that form words, and ask him for a specific time. How the fuck is this complicated? Do vanilla women really just go off and do their own thing and then be all passive-aggressive like, “Oh well you didn’t say when you’d be over so I just left, tee hee”? If you do that – knock it off. It’s juvenile.

#1 He’s a bad gift-giver

Cosmo advice: Just like remembering occasions, you have to be explicit. Let him know what you want. You don’t have to say “Buy me this!” but you also can’t leave a catalogue open with a photo of that thing you want, because he won’t get the hint. Talk about it or bring it up offhandedly.

Femi advice: “Tomorrow is my birthday. You’re taking me shopping. Be here at 2″ or “I want this new coffee pot for my birthday. They sell it at Target. Go forth and procure it.”