Really just all the hurty stuff. I’ve whacked Iris a couple times, but since he isn’t a masochist, it didn’t feel right. I really need that “oh god yes more” from the person I’m with for me to reach that “oh god yes more” frame of mind myself.
Nothing really confuses or frightens me, but my sadism definitely frustrates me. I don’t like how depressed I get over not having someone to explore that with, and I think to myself that if I just wasn’t sadistic in the first place, or if I could just turn that part of me off, that both Iris and I would be happier. I’d not feel like I’m missing out, and he wouldn’t feel inadequate for not liking pain.
I’ve actually considered training as a ProDomme (one of the few times I will EVER say that a dominant should have actual training) so that I can hit people who truly want it, as after all, if they are paying for it, they MUST want it. I don’t really see myself as one of those “jack of all trades” types though, I think I’d really just enjoy the S&M. I don’t know when or if anything will come of that, but we’ll see.