Femdom and worship / Femdom life

How to look for a Femdom play partner

I’ve been looking off and on for a play partner. Sometimes I think my standards might be too high, but then I think about what exactly I want, and I think that my standards are right where they should be. When I go years without meeting anyone though, I have to occasionally second guess myself, and my approach. Am I going about this wrong?

Copied below is the “what I want” portions of my profile. It’s long, it’s detailed, it’s not super friendly, but I get hardly any of the annoying messages that other women complain about getting (and I don’t miss them). Thing is, I say that I know my preferences narrow my pool of potential partners and that I’m ok with it, but… am I? Are my standards too high?

The absolute requirements for me:

  • Experience. I seriously do not want to play with someone who doesn’t know what they want based on having experienced those things. I do not want to have to minimize my sadism because it turns out New Sub only liked paddling in theory. I minimize my sadism with Iris, and I’d like to have an opportunity to just be more aggressive overall.
  • I definitely do not want any kind of romantic relationship. I want a play partner, not boyfriend #2.
  • I really would not like to simply top someone. I don’t enjoy myself if I’m not completely in control.
  • Physical attraction. Older men turn me off, in fact they kind of creep me out. Since I’m 30, that rules out a lot of people, as a lot of submissive men are 40+. Younger guys I find immature rather often, and when I’ve given them a chance and tried to get to know them, it just hasn’t worked out. I admire their youthful energy, but it’s rather often combined with youthful irresponsibility/naivety, and I don’t have the time or patience for that.

If this was YOUR profile, what would you change?

I don’t discuss kink right away. If you write me to ask about anything kink-related, or write me to ask about when I do discuss kink, you simply won’t get a reply. I’m a woman, not a fetish delivery service (if you treat me as such, well, I’ll expect payment accordingly).

I do not, will not, and have never played online. DO NOT ASK ME TO.

I hate the term “Mistress.” If you call me that, I’ll know you didn’t read this.

In terms of what I am and am not looking for, I’m quite specific. I am fully aware that this drastically narrows the pool of potential partners. I’m perfectly fine with that.

I am not looking for a relationship, and I am not looking for just sex. You are not going to be an exception to that.

A play partner is possible, but let me quantify that -I do not play with anyone who is new to BDSM. I do not have the patience to play the “What about that? Did you like that?” game. If you don’t know for sure, without a doubt, that you enjoy pain and submission, then I’m not the right Dominant for you.

I enjoy service butler-style by itself or with S&M; I am a sadist so someone I can hurt would be nice; and I enjoy being given control so my S&M play needs to have a power exchange. I Dominate, I do not top, if you cannot submit fully, then we aren’t compatible.

Most of my play with a play partner would be non-sexual S&M with D/s.

I have an age preference of 25-38. I’ve so far not met anyone who is older or younger than that, who I connected with. I am not attracted to overweight men, older men, or very young men. I don’t care how tall or short you are, or how big or small your dick is. However, I do have to have physical attraction to play with anyone.

If you butcher the English language in a message or on your profile, you’ve got no chance with me.Anyone on this site is entirely too old to use text speak, chronically misspell words, or not use punctuation.

I do not play casually. If we are not friends, we are not going to be anything else. It takes months to form a friendship. If you are too impatient for that, then I suggest going the ProDomme route, or finding someone who does play casually.

I am not looking for a long-term commitment. The only person I’m spending my life with is my boyfriend/submissive. He comes first and will always come first.

If you have ever used the words “true” or “real” when describing anything to do with BDSM, stop reading here and for fuck’s sake, don’t write me until you’ve erased those words form your kink vocabulary. Additionally, male doms who think their magical penis will magically make me submissive can magically screw off.

UPDATE: So I took the advice I’ve received, and changed things up a bit. Better? (I’m still getting “so what r u into” messages, ugh, idiots.)

I try not to discuss kink right away. I’d like to establish that there’s an interest in you before I delve into deviance. Obviously, this is a kinky dating site, but writing me with an elaborate fantasy you have, or asking if I will do “X” to you, means you won’t get a reply, unless you want to establish a professional relationship. I’m not really looking for that though.

A few key points: I will never play online, and I will never make exceptions for that because I get nothing out of it. I hate the term “Mistress.” If you call me that, I’ll know you didn’t read this. “Ma’am” is fine with me. I’m in Georgia for a couple months, then I’ll be back in New Mexico off and on for the next 10ish months, then I’m moving to Seattle.

In terms of what I am and am not looking for, I’m quite specific. I am fully aware that this narrows the pool of potential partners, and I’m perfectly fine with that, as I don’t want to settle.

I am not looking for a romantic relationship, but I am not looking for just sex. I amlooking for a submissive masochist. I’d like a play partner who enjoys bondage, impact play, spanking, and mild-ish CBT, who is very obedient (that’s one of my main kinks), 25-38 years old, height/weight proportionate, and who is not new to BDSM. I don’t have the patience to play the “What about that? Did you like that?” game.

I do consider myself a sadist, so the “masochist” part is really important for compatibility, but I also have to have a power exchange when I play. I take suggestions/negotiate prior to play, but during it, I am in control.

I rather enjoy impact play, spanking, CBT, tickling, and tease and denial. There’s a fair bit that I haven’t done, but am willing to try, so if you aren’t sure, just ask (but please do so without it sounding like erotica, a simple “Do you enjoy ____” will suffice).

Most of my play with a play partner would be non-sexual S&M with D/s. By non-sexual I mean that you may be nude, as that’s rather important for impact play or CBT, but I do not have sex with a play partner. I define sex as any contact with my breasts or genitals, and insertion of anything into a man’s anus.

I don’t care how tall or short you are, or how big or small your dick is. However, I do have to have physical attraction to play with anyone. I call it the “ugly couch hypothesis”: You could find the most comfortable couch in the world, but if you don’t like how it looks, you’ll eventually toss it out of your house.

If you butcher the English language in a message or on your profile, you’ve got no chance with me. Anyone on this site is entirely too old to use text speak, chronically misspell words, or not use punctuation.

I don’t play casually. If I can’t consider us friends, we are not going to be anything else. I prefer to exchange messages on here to see if there’s an initial interest, then move onto IM or texting, then set up a time to meet over coffee sooner rather than later so that neither of us waste time with something that isn’t going anywhere.

I’m not looking for a long-term commitment, as I’m in a committed sexually-monogamous relationship. I have his approval to have play partners, and will not play with anyone whom I can’t verify that they have approval from their partner as well.

I unfortunately need to say this: Male doms who think their magical penis will magically make me submissive can magically screw off.

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4 thoughts on “How to look for a Femdom play partner

  1. I don’t think your standards are too high for a play partner. Many bdsm events have a surplus of guys who are available for play only. I can’t speak for attractiveness… since that’s your personal preference.

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