Well. Here I am again. And there you are. Possibly again. Very potentially simply for the first time. In which case, welcome, I’m Iris, the submissive half of this blog.
Which just makes this topic a bit strange, as my second post is about being…less submissive.
I used to identify as a switch. Which jived with my world view, or the fairly limited deviant interactions I’d had. I could enjoy both being submissive, and dominantish. That said, it never really moved beyond “being assertive in the bedroom can be fun!” to “I want to be in charge in the relationship!”
This led to a divergent set of interests: I wanted a woman in charge in the relationship. But I still held an interest in doing general purpose “mean” things to nice girls.
That of course was undercut by the following:
A. Dominant or assertive women were attractive to me, and that was a population that I felt was not at all interested in bottoming.
B. I tend to view myself as a “nice boy.” Nice boys shouldn’t want to do mean things to girls because girls are cute and should be treated well. Simplistic, but there’s nothing more upsetting than unhappy women. I knew some of them enjoyed playing with darker deviant things, but it’s like, I needed an engraved invitation to know it was okay before I could go ahead. And then I needed to know exactly what I could do. Like almost a script.
So. From that it meant that I did top, but it was like, I knew the person I was with liked XYZ. I wouldn’t at all move beyond XYZ because god forbid I upset someone (no sarcasm. I need that approval and happiness from someone I’m emotionally involved in. When Femi is upset with me, I’m pretty much as emotionally low as I get).
What this results in is I enjoy topping, but I need to know it’s okay and have that approval that goes with it. Topping Femi, or being assertive with her is fairly comfortable, because I know she’ll tell me to stop if she doesn’t want it, or I’m stepping out of line. And it’s like, to use the Army term, I have a limit of advance. I can be aggressive, I can do things, but with Femi I will know exactly when to stop, and there’s no hurt feelings so long as I listen to her.
Which honestly makes it easier for me to actually be aggressive as I’m not stuck with self doubt, and it’s like, she’s invited me to go forth and be that way. And I can’t be that sort of aggressive without really having someone who’s in charge enough to give my aggressiveness that framework.
So it’s sort of being like, a pet top. I like being a top, but it needs to be with Femi ultimately keeping that aggression controlled and directed. And honestly I like how that feels even more, as it’s like, I get to do something I enjoy without it compromising my role in our relationship and making things weird.