I’m going to sort of piggy-back on (a now deleted) post in which I lamented that “do what you want to do and your submissive will be happy” is not how it seems to work in the D/s land that I rule.
Thing is, if you ask me (which you did, since you’re reading my blog) it’s really not that simple. A relationship, ALL relationships, have two people. Each of those people have opinions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, expectations, lives outside of kink, lives within kink, outside lives that overlap with kink, needs, wants, etc. and so on. To say that anyone should derive pleasure just from another person feeling happy seems… kind of ridiculous. I mean, let’s say you really, really love chocolate ice cream, but your Domme forbids you to eat it. Night after night, she eats a bowl of your favorite brand of chocolate ice cream in front of you. Now tell me how long you’re going to think,”I’m so happy she likes chocolate ice cream and gets to eat it so often! I don’t need chocolate ice cream! I’ll eat this generic vanilla ice cream she buys for me. I don’t really like vanilla, but she’s the Domme so, oh well. I’m just happy she’s happy.”
I know ice cream isn’t really the best example, but my point is that eventually, you’re going to be resentful that she gets all the chocolate ice cream and you get none. Add in some other things, like maybe she flogs you even though you really don’t like it, and she humiliates you in front of her friends even though it isn’t your kink, and goes days without talking to you, and you can see how “do what you want to do” isn’t good advice to give to anyone without some sort of clarification, like “Do what you want to do, but discuss your partners wants, needs, and expectations prior to entering a relationship and take those into account.”
Being the Domme
What people often don’t tell you: Being the Domme is fucking work. Being the Domme requires you to not only make sure you are happy, but that your sub is happy too. No one can be trampled on (literally or figuratively) for extended periods of time, get little to nothing in return, and still remain happily devoted to serving you.
Even if you do go with “do what you want to do,” you have to decide just what that is. Do you want to tie him up? Do you like rope work and want to learn it, or would you rather have quick-to-use cuffs so that bondage doesn’t take too long to accomplish? Do you want to do impact play? Spankings? Humiliation? Queening? Objectification? Sissification? Crossdressing? Pegging? CBT? And just how are you going to plan the scenes? What will happen from start to finish? What’ll you wear? What will he? Where will you be? Will he bring his own toys or will you use your own? Which toys do you want to use in the first place? What will he call you? Will you have sex and if so, what kind? Should you let him orgasm? If you use a safeword, what will it be? And that’s just to start with!
We Are Not All-Knowing!
Read that last paragraph and tell me that being the Domme isn’t fucking daunting. Now let’s making it harder by discovering that finding ideas for scenes is almost impossible. Femdom porn tends to lean towards male-oriented fantasies in which the male is the focus, not the female, which if you’re a service top or planning a service top scene is fine***, but for female-focused scenes… yeah, good luck with that. There’s lists abound detailing specific acts that you and your partner can check “yes” or “no” to, but actual scene ideas? Let me know if you find any. It feels like Dommes are suppose to have this endless imagination in which everything is awesome in-scene, everyone gets their needs met, orgasms abound (perhaps just for her), hesitancy, shyness, and insecurity don’t exist, and rainbows and puppies come out the sub’s perfectly manscaped ass at the end.
Real life isn’t like that. We need more examples of real life scenes and female-led relationships. Toss some my way, would ya?
*** I’m a firm believer that even the hardest-core dommeliest dommes wouldn’t die if they service topped from time to time, I mean, it’s the least you could do for the person who lets you beat them on a regular basis