Femdom life / How to be a dominant woman

How to improve your Femdom sex-life, part II

Well hello again.

My previous post left off on the idea of how one can become so wrapped up in a fetish as to lose site of other things in a relationship.  In this post, I’m going to explore the starting to leave that fetish, and the process it took me to get to where I am at this point.

I wouldn’t say I was as bad as some fetishists.  Or in as much it was like being otherwise nice with a GIANT GLARING FLAW at times, so early interactions between Femi and I could, and often would go on for sometime in a fairly healthy manner.  That said she couldn’t mention latex, or really BDSM in general without me trying to guide stuff to my fetishes and fantasies.  I could often justify this by thinking in terms of it her bringing up the topic, and thus making talking about it acceptable, and that I was still submissive as it wasn’t like she had to play along after all.

In retrospect I can only imagine how frustrating that was.  It’s like, there’s this thing that you’re interested in, and there’s this person you like lots that’s into it too, but you can’t really explore it because they have this set way in that it must be or else it isn’t interesting for them.

Femi tried really hard to get into the same sort of things I was rambling about.  She’d ask questions about how things would work, or how to do stuff, and I had a really hard time trying to explain it.  It’s like, I think living in giant floating sky-ships would be awesome.  Man, it’d be sweet, we’d just fly along all over the place, and never have to touch down unless we wanted to, and only to gaze disdainfully at the poor plebes still living on the surface.  And then Femi would ask about how we’d get food, what keeps a skyship flying, where would the poop go from the sewage, and why are we being jerks to the grounddwellers?

Therein is the weakness in all fantasies really.  It’s a fairly two dimensional story in which there’s certain parts given great detail (because they’re the part that turns you on), and the rest pretty much gets a handwave.  And as discussed earlier that just leads to so much unfun.

So.  That was the start where cracks appeared in the being latex focused vs um, more normal.  As on a practical level, it was like I started to think “well, really what does happen after I’m in rubber and tied up?  And how is that fun for other people anyway?”

This was complicated at the time by the fact I was talking to people who encouraged my latex fetishism.  Femi didn’t just step into a vacuum with me talking to no one at all, in reality I had several kinky girls I was talking to at the time (being that most of Femi and I’s early interactions where while I was deployed in Iraq, it didn’t really mean that I could actually “do” anything as much as seek out like minded people).  Of the ones I talked to often the majority were interested in the rubber fetishist stuff  I did vs really much else about me.  So it was like, I’m starting to have these questions…but there’s always someone to express interest in the fetish fantasy I was chasing.  Thus I kind of rubber banded from existential angst over “what I enjoy doesn’t make sense!” and “my desires are validated!”

Looking back on it, I can categorize most of those rubber fetishists folks as the following:

1. Lying fake selfish cuntbag (this is a special designation for a very special person who earned that title in spades)

2. Generally okay, but equally wrapped in the fetish (unable to really answer the “well how do we do that?” or the practical outcome)

3. Folks who the interest was “close enough” to something they liked that they sort of got a bit of it

4. Just general purpose crazy (it is folks on the internet after all).

None of those are really conducive to a good healthy interaction, Regardless, as Femi and I got closer together (this sounds easier than it was, it’s more “Femi saw the good man I could become, and refused to give up on that part of me while I was a fetish seeking douche busy chasing latex clad tail”), I stopped talking to other people, and the focus became more and more on Femi (there’s more to this story, but I could write a whole entry on that and likely will at some point).

When Femi and I finally met in person while I was on leave, something was just different.  While I was still a big huge fan of latex at that point, I didn’t force it on her, and we generally did fairly vanilla stuff together.  And it was like, spark landing in the kindling.  You really can’t call it a fire yet, but it was like…having a partner that:

A. Knew what she was doing.

B. Was very passionate.

C. Was the same woman I’d just held hands with and did mushy things with out in public.

Was just something else entirely different.  It felt good.  It felt appealing, and like…fetish had always been a sort of paint by numbers affair.  I knew what I wanted, I wasn’t looking for a relationship,  I was looking to get my itches scratched.  And the majority of people who were willing to do the scratching were not folks I really cared to be around much more than that (not to think of them as bad people, more “not someone I could grow close to”).  With being with someone who legitimately cared about me, loved me, and was able to just, be silly, normal and human with, it was like I wanted to be closer.  I wanted to let her more into my life.

And that transferred over to the  sex life part of things.  I wanted something that was “us” vs “the fetish.”  And it’s hard to describe just how that works in my head, but I feel as if it almost makes sense in that vague phrase.  No more things, and just, people.  Her, me, us.

So that placed a sort of source and starting point for normal intimacy.  It isn’t quite as clean or easy as that makes it look, but it is the way in which it makes the most sense.  And ultimately it’s that seeking someone vs seeking fetish mindset that Femi beat into my thick skull that brought me here (to actual happiness).

So if there’s really any take away from this, it’s stop leading with your fetishes.  Stop having screen names like “footguy33″ or filling your profiles online with 70+ references to pegging.  Stop going onto websites to find the perfect fantasy, and then parroting it until you get someone who doesn’t reject it.

Find a woman who likes you.  Let her know you’re into something, but be brave enough to surrender that to her, and let her take it where she wants to (seriously.  Having Femi do what she wants with latex is way more rewarding than anything I ever tried to dictate to her).  Be a functional couple.  Watch movies without needing rubber or a chastity device under your clothes.  Go to dinner without a buttplug.  Just get to know that soft warm body next to you as a fellow human being, and you will have found the most rewarding thing in your life, rather than simply seeking the most effective way to get off.

So yeah.  Never be the latex fetishist seeking latex fetishist.  Be the boy/girl/gender identity you are, find someone who wants you for that, and is pro-kink (as a broad concept rather than specific things), and you’ll be all the happier for it.

There is certainly more to this story (meeting starting the ball rolling, but we still had EPIC HURDLES to overcome, and there’s also some more reasons why I wasn’t exactly “yay sex” from the more physiological side of things), but I believe I’ll leave that for another day.

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