Femdom and worship / Femdom life

How to improve your Femdom sex-life!

I always have difficulty finding a really good line to start these sorts of things off. Despite a fair amount of experience in writing, it’s not like personal topics really have a good thesis. It’s not like I can be like, “The deviant behavior of Iris between the dates of 24OCT04 and 4NOV11 were the high water point of the being a huge latex fetishist, from which Iris is still recovering.”

Which really leads into the point of this post rather well oddly enough though. So yay for accidental success.

When Femi first met me, my primary focus was latex, objectification, and bondage in that order. I viewed sex primarily as a way to get to those things, as at that point, it wasn’t unpleasant for me, and I did enjoy it, but in the same way one enjoys soft serve ice cream. It’s there, and if offered, then I do believe I’ll partake in it, but it was not something I would travel a great distance for. I did come equipped with a whole host of very impractical and outlandish fantasies that did tie into my primary fetishes though, and I really wanted someone who wanted to do those with me.

Which lead to all sorts of epic disaster on my part, from things I did to myself in pursuit of people who played along with my delusions, to all the crappy things I did to Femi while thinking with my fetish rather than as part of a relationship.

I’d rather avoid giving a laundry list of my own sins though if only because that’d be a very lengthy and depressing list, and they are more symptoms of a problem, than the cause. And given that perspective I’d rather focus on something I’d like to call “the fetish echo chamber.”

The internet in many ways is a wonderful tool for deviant types. Until internet proliferation became common, connecting in the kink world was really limited to the super-sketch (newspaper personals) and the massively intimidating (word of mouth links into your local munch). It allows us all to communicate over wide distances with like minded people, and to get to know folks we otherwise would have never met.

And for that I’m really thankful, as that sort of connection is what has placed Femi about 9 inches to the right of me while I’m typing this message.

femdom-haveat-it

That said there’s a very unhealthy part to this connectivity, alluded to earlier with the echo chamber remark.

Once you find a less than common interest, it can be a very isolating thing. Especially if it’s an out there part of what is already a fairly off the beaten path subculture. I discovered latex fairly early on as a visual thing, largely through cautious forays onto the internet while my parents weren’t looking. I’d always been attracted to “power imbalance” sort of situations, but I lacked a context for any of it. So while searching for images and writing on those sort of things, I started to discover latex and shiny things, and was attracted to lots of the more alien and strange looking things.

I also kept finding this book over and over again: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Of_Human_Bondage

You would think something called “Of Human Bondage” would actually be kind of appealing. But noooo.

Stupid early 20th Century English Authors.

But I digress. Those interests I mentioned are not wrong to have by any stretch of the imagination. The dark strange imagery is pretty cool, and intense. And really come on, latex on attractive people is quite appealing for even non-deviant minded folks.

But therein is a problem. When you’re starting out and find something fairly easy to identify (shiny=attractive), and define (in rubber=good vs trying to figure out how being submissive works), you tend to follow that thread by far further than it should logically go. In reality, I like how I look shiny, and I enjoy how others look shiny. That’s really as far as my latex interest ultimately goes now (it’s not like wearing it is “enough” for me, or I get some sort of purely tactile arousal from it). But given something I could grab onto, and that appeared attainable (if at great expense), it provided a sort of vehicle to explore other ideas.

Like, as an example I was drawn to the idea of being controlled or helpless. Within the confines of what I knew, it was easier to imagine how that would look/feel being objectified and restrained like the images I’d seen thus far vs imagining a fully functioning D/s relationship. It’s easy to be attracted to ideas about being wrapped up in rubber and dehumanized, as that’s a fairly narrow spectrum of things easily accomplished (with enough lube) rather than going through the complexity of trying to see how day-to-day D/s living might work.

Once I had these initial ideas, I started to search for more people into similar ideas (as is fairly natural for humans to do). And this is really where things went from “kind of haywire, but likely corrected by girl with brains and patience” into “giant gaping suckhole of fixating on a fetish.”

Here’s an experiment for you folks: Go onto Rubberpal.com, and set up a profile. If you’re a masochist, set up one using a picture of a girl; if you’re into deep hurting, use one with a photo of a girl in rubber. But just surf profiles, maybe even just hop in the chatroom for a bit, and listen.

You’ll find pretty much the same set of objectification oriented fantasies (with some degree of variance, but same theme), and effectively a sort of cycle of fapping, in which fantasy gets posted/suggested, people get turned on, fap, someone writes a similar fantasy out, and then repeat until the end of time. Key to those fantasies is focusing on the more… direct parts of the fetish. Like those experiments that wire a rat’s pleasure center of its brain to a button, it just pushes the button over and over again until it starves.

So finding yourself in the company of fetishists is dangerous in that you get stuck on the button pressy loop. There’s a thing you like. Others agree with you that it’s pretty awesome. You all talk about it more, which then validates your attraction to said fetish, and how cool and awesome it is. And from that it just is like I mentioned earlier, sort of an echo chamber, in which the primacy of that fetish is constantly asserted, often to the exclusion of other things. Further complicating this, of the people you do meet in this echo chamber, often your only connective tissue is that fetish. So you bond with people over your shared fetish, can’t talk about anything but that fetish, but that’s okay because fetish fetish fetish.

You’re really not noticing what else you’re missing out on, as you still have your finger squished down on the pleasure button. But as you keep that finger down, it takes more and more effort for you to feel the effects, as you’ve seen it all before, or nothing really “hits” you textually any more, so you keep digging deeper and deeper until your sexual arousal fixates on whatever that fetish is.

Femi did me a major service when she asked me “and then what?” to some of my latex oriented fantasies I shared with her. I went through a lot of denial but that question bugged me. It was like, well all that rubber was awesome. Really. Seriously I couldn’t really want anything else could I? I mean that fantasy was AWESOME and it’s like…

And then I realized I really just had a collection of being over elaborately dressed up and strapped to things fantasies, from which was really neither being submissive, or even really interesting as a partner (and by realized, I mean Femi hit me over the head with it until I came around).

It’s hard to really trace back to where it all went wrong exactly. There’s hints of things from my trips onto yahoo chat way back in the day, or early stops on collarme, but clearly I should have been much more interested in “human” side of kink vs the gear and attire (although again, it’s easier to understand the former rather than the latter.

Regardless this only makes it more important I feel, for fetishists to stop thinking with strictly what they find appealing, and more broaden it to “how does this work for other people.” By finally shutting up about my fantasies, Femi has taken latex in her own way, and I’m much happier for that. I still get to dress up every now and then, but it’s part of something much closer, more fun, and less “THIS IS THE THING THAT GETS ME OFF” and more like, the chocolate sauce on ice cream, tasty, but not required.

So to tie into the title of this post, it really took stopping thinking about my fetish to actually turn and focus on sexuality and normal human relations. And that was by no means an overnight change.

But it is certainly a topic for a later discussion, as I have a Femi to smooch, and laundry to put away now.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “How to improve your Femdom sex-life!

  1. Pingback: How to improve your Femdom sex-life, part II | myfemdomlife

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s